Making Space for the “Out of Nowhere”
Recently, a friend reached out to me with difficult news. We hadn’t spoken in quite some time and in that moment it really didn’t matter.
At the moment her message came through, I was walking the aisles of Home Depot, mentally juggling window blinds for privacy, a growing list of home projects, and the quiet urgency that comes with preparing for the holidays. My phone pinged and the message appeared.
Text messages can be hard to read for tone and context. But sometimes, even in just a few words, you know the message deserves more than a quick glance. This was one of those messages.
As I looked around to ensure the aisle I would be pacing in Home Depot would be private enough, I noticed her messages carried a sense apprehension. They were the messages that would come in after someone was courageous enough to share their need, only to follow up with apologies for inconveniences and for daring to contact someone “out of nowhere.”
A small soft smile curled on my lips, and not because anything was funny… far far from it. It was becuase that recoil was all too familiar. I felt connected to her in that moment and while I knew I couldn’t sooth what was causing her pain, I could release her from the idea that she was impeding on my directionless moments in a hardware store.
I typed back:
“It’s okay. I make space for the out of nowhere.”
I hit send and diaed her
The first thing I heard through the small speaker was a sigh of relief, “Thank you for saying that.”
That moment has stayed with me.
It stayed with me because it addressed an opportunity we all have to communicate our availability in a world that demands efficacy, productivity, and a schedule. It reflected on the way we present ourselves to others knowingly and unknowingly. It made me realize the value of those “out of nowhere” friends and family. And that we can be individuals and collectives that can lean into these moments instead of run away.
The Way We Present Our Availability
As a parent, it’s easy to see how time fills up: school schedules, after-school activities, appointments, projects, practices, and the constant role of chauffeur (sometimes I even autopilot to the wrong place). You add on any spousal or partner roles and responsibilities, caregiving, and community involvement and we see the invisible full-time job at work.
As a leader, there’s another low hum entirely, meetings stacked back-to-back, inboxes filling faster than they can be cleared, travel, deadlines, and decisions.
Life. Fills. Quickly.
And yet, life’s disruptions do not wait for calm moments or permission before it arrives.
The out-of-nowhere is inevitable on both sides. I’ve been the one reaching for support and the one being reached for. Either way, it requires vulnerability and someone who can be emotionally available without fear of judgment or consequence, someone who can respond with curiosity and not withdraw when feelings enter the room.
Brené Brown, a vulnerability researcher, reminds us this is how connection and trust are formed. Simon Sinek adds that trust grows when leaders prioritize people over performance and are able to offer their full presence without an agenda.
And while some may call these “soft” skills, their absence has very real consequences. They help explain why people feel isolated after tragedy. Why families fracture. Why employees quiet quit. These capacities are not optional. They are essential to our human experience. They are essential to connection.
In that moment, I was grateful for the times I had recognized an “out of nowhere” moment and responded from authenticity. But also, as someone who reflects deeply (and often analytically) about my own behavior, it made me think about the moments I missed, like the times someone didn’t reach out because I allowed trivial task to make me “look busy”.
It also had me think about my own moments of apprehension. Those moments when I was the one in need. I remember reaching for my phone, only to put it back down. Or choosing not to step into a supervisor’s office because I felt the same hesitation: This is just too out-of-nowhere.
Which brings me to the real question:
What do we miss when we don’t communicate our willingness to pause for the unexpected?
How do we respond without defaulting to overwhelm or avoidance?
Three Mindset Shifts to Make Space for the “Out of Nowhere”
From “I don’t have time” to “Can I offer 20 minutes?”
The out-of-nowhere doesn’t always require an open-ended commitment. Often, it needs a pause long enough to be felt. Research and leadership theory remind us that trust grows when someone experiences full presence, even briefly. Twenty minutes of intentional attention can lower emotional intensity, signal safety, and create enough connection to move forward. It turns availability into something bounded and intentional.
Take a moment to relfect on how this has shown up in your own life. I can’t count how many times a conversations that came unplanned, with a “Thanks. I needed that.” When there is space in your ability to give more, do so, but know that at a baseline, presence is gold. And when I think of the support and value that can give to my spouse, children, colleagues, and friends, the time(no matter how small) is priceless.
From “Can I fix this?” to “Can I stay with this?”
We are trained to problem-solve. As parents, we teach skills while allowing space for failure (which is why we sit on our hands when a child insists they don’t need a jacket). As leaders, we promote ownership while managing deadlines and outcomes. These roles awaken the fixer in us. But when we listen without redirecting, people feel validated. When we listen with curiosity instead of preparing our response, we hear what matters most. And when we allow emotion to exist, we reduce our fear of it.
The next time an “out-of-nowhere” moment occurs, what would it look like to sit and listen to the story and experience, without planning the solution?
From “Should I carry this?” to “What is mine to hold?”
This is where awareness meets boundaries. Being someone others can reach does not mean absorbing what belongs to them.
Let me say that again: being someone others can reach does not mean absorbing what belongs to them. It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to them.
Pause and ask:
What do I have energy and space for right now? Is that fair to me—and truly helpful to them?
What support beyond me might be needed?
How can I stay connected without becoming responsible for the outcome?
Learning to make space for the “out of nowhere” isn’t about doing more, but it is about responding with intention, presence, and healthy boundaries. It is about creating space for uncertainty and normalizing that detours, challenges, and disruptions. And it doesn’t cost us as much as we think it does. In fact, we may gain so much more in connection and authenticity
